I recently got a text on my phone from my "daughter" saying this-"Can you lend me $150? I need to come with $400 by such and such day for my electric bill that your ex-wife ran up and promised to pay. I have no one to ask." A few minutes later, another text-"She ran the bill up to $700 and I have pay half of that or I'll lose my place". I ignored the text. This is NOTHING new to me. Since my divorce several years ago, I received numerous calls from BOTH my "adopted daughter" and my ex-wife asking me to help them pay for bills, cigarettes, groceries and etc. Not too mention rides...I don't mind helping people those in need out, but this is getting really, really old. Between the both of them, they owe me a couple of thousand dollars. Neither of them have jobs and live off government programs. They collect disability and food stamps. I even pay child support to my ex-wife.
I have no issues about paying child support, even it is more than 17% of my gross pay. I am the father to my son and it's my responsibility to make sure I pay for some of his needs. It's my duty. I'm sure as hell am not backing down my responsibilities as a DAD. Not only I have joint custody of my kid, I'm VERY much involved in his life. I go to parent-teacher conferences, attend school activities with him, pick him up from school, take him places, and just hang out with him. I love my son.
What kills me is not only I go beyond the call duty as a father, I am asked to pay for school supplies, clothes and many his other needs. Is this what child support is for? Ya think? The state of Wisconsin does not require the mother to record an itemized list of what is paid for the child's needs. The first thing my lawyer said to me when I filed for divorce, "You know damn well your ex-wife is not going spend your child support on your kid, so get over it!" I know... OUCH! That's reality. My ex's budget goes something this rent, food, cigarettes and then her needs. If my son needs new shoes or a haircut, it's MY problem. She KNOWS I'm not going to let son go without what he needs. She's clearly taking advantage of the situation! This is why I call child support alimony.
Over the years I've tightened my grip on the cash flow to her. I no longer hand her money to get my son anything. I'll go get it myself. Phone calls are often ignored. I say "No" more often. Guilt trips no longer work. They are starting to realize I'm not going to answer their beck and call. I have my own life to live! Don't need any more of the drama...
Yeah, the drama. The more I know, the more I don't want to know. Stories of crack addicted boyfriends, the snorting of sleeping pills and Xanax, weed, money issues, moving place to place, violence...I've heard it all....
As I'm writing this, a new drama unfolds... My ex-wife just kicked out some roommates over some food issues. Fights took place. My son's clothes got bleached. Cops were called. Nobody arrested, yet. Now my son is spending the night here, tired of the drama.
This shit has been going on for years...
I know what your thinking. Why don't I just take custody of my son? I wish it was that simple... Wisconsin laws states that unless the child was in an immediate danger or if the parent goes to jail for a real long time, full custody can not be granted. In other words, SOMETHING has to happen to my son before I can get full custody. What I can do, is get primary custody and she would get visitation rights plus PAY child support. Sounds like like grand idea. I highly doubt she'll go for that idea. The big question remains is does my son need to go through the choice of choosing of which parent he'd rather live with? No matter what, he does love his mother. He has been through a divorce already, why put put him through more bullshit of having him choose?
As of this point, my decision is getting clearer. Things are going to get UGLY....
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest....
3 comments:
I am glad you are in your son's life. My ex doesn't even want to have anything to do with his kids. He don't call, give them anything for their birthdays or holidays.
As for the child support I do get that when he is working. I do use that for the kids for what they need. I have to get them everything including school supplies, clothes, food and hair cuts. He don't give me extra for anything.
It has been like this for me for the last 8 years. It has been my 3 kids and myself. He comes in and out of the kids life when he feels like it, or when he needs something, or when his girlfriend kicks him out. That is the only time the kids are good enough for him. Now his own father don't want anything to do with him. Every time he leaves I have to pick up the pieces up after him with my kids. This is not fair to me. But I love my kids and I will do anything for them.
So what I am trying to tell you I do know what you are going through. You don't have to go through this alone there are people out there that are willing to help you through this. Also it is up to your son what he would like to do. Talk it over with him too.
Maybe you should put it to your son a little differently. I'm sure he already knows, and you may have already said as much to him-- but put it to him more as an invitation than asking him to choose.
Just a "the door is always open..." should do the trick. That's not asking him to choose so much as telling him the option is there should he ever decide he wants a change of scenery/more stability/etc.
I feel your pain anonymous. First off, kudos to you for raising your children on your own! I tip my hat all single moms and dads in their effort in raising children. Raising children alone (as you know) is no easy task. Takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get the job done. Having a deadbeat parent in the picture doesn't help matters.
That is a very sound advise, Perplexo. A very good way to bring that up to my son. I shall try it!
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